ritual cleansing

Late afternoon is a strange time for a shower. Nonetheless, I found myself in the shower around 4 pm this afternoon. Standing under the hot water in my unfortunately shared dorm room, I contemplated how strange it was that I needed to come home and shower. I had this uncontrollable need to come home and shower-- to wash off what had just happened, to wash away the reality that was the death of another creature, and how its death so closely touched me. Literally.

This bird. A dying injured bird, got up from the road, next to the bus stop. This bus stop is very busy as it is next to this major state university in which presumably hundreds of people stand throughout the day, perhaps even thousands. This dying bird got up from the road, off-balance and weak and then flew directly into me. I tried to avoid it, but it flew directly into my leg. And I don't know what I could have done to avoid it.

The bird flew directly into my leg and then fell to the ground slightly the right of my body, and then the same thing happened it tried to fly away again, it fell to the ground again.

Later that day but not too much later maybe 30 minutes later I was walking back home and I saw a bird, (I don't know if it was the same bird or not, but I think it might have been) on the side of the road by the curb, dead and squashed by the tire of a car.

leaving

It took leaving for me to really appreciate all of the beauty of Sarasota. It took being placed in a situation, a more stressful, more unpleasant, less esthetically pleasing situation, for me to really appreciate the place and the people I had in my life in Sarasota. I miss it and I miss it a lot.

Urinary Tract Infection

Sex

Fluids

Bacteria

Urine

Bladder Pain

Urinary Tract Infection

Antibiotic

Allergic reaction

Emergency Room

Clusterfuck

Another Antibiotic

Continued Bladder Pain

Another Antibiotic

Continued Bladder Pain

Another Antibiotic

Continued Bladder Pain

Yeast infection

Stomach problems

Take Cranberry Pills and Vitamin C, it will help.

Pain.

Awareness of oneself, Awareness of one's body. Awareness of the abdominal cavity.

Frustration. Anger. Tears. Laughter. Humor.

And that is it. That is how I get through it all. Humor.

Pride and School Spirit

The Place: The University of Texas at Austin Bookstore entitled "The Co-op" on Guadalupe St. Austin, Texas

The Time: June 5, 3pm

The Purpose: school supply shopping

As a sketchy alum of New College of Florida, my experience with school spirit is limited to an intellectual superiority complex that waxes and wanes depending on the day.

Our mascot being nothing but [ ] and nothing more, symbols of New College run few and far between with the use of the four winds symbol being the closes thing we have to a true mascot.

The majority of the bookstore like most college campus bookstore's is full of university paraphernalia. Burnt orange overwhelms the senses. Intensity that is difficult for me to comprehend considering my own college experience.

Also, Burnt orange is an unattractive color on everyone. Just sayin'.

I get it. It is a nice thing, a nice feeling to take pride in one's dwelling in one's alma mater. I really do.

We all have various symbols to represent various aspects of our identities. The star of david for example is the unmistakable symbol for the Jewish people.

I find the use of a color, to represent a group of people or an identity interesting. Why is it that when a new baby is born blue is used for a baby boy, and why is it that when it is a girl pink is used?

Why is burnt orange the color for the university of texas?

Commencement, Arabic, Texas, and that one time at the ER

I entered the middle of three elevators in my new building, the Dobie Center, across the street from the University of Texas at Austin campus. On the wall next to the buttons was a sign that said, "Please only Press ODD floor numbers and walk up or down to your assigned floor. Thank you!"

People make the strangest of requests. Clearly I will be ignoring that request.

A little bit of exploration of Austin, Texas has occurred in the last 24 hours, but not much. I'm looking forward to exploring the weirdness of "the Weird City"-- The Cathedral of Junk, the restaurants, the bars, the music scene, etc.

It's hot here in Texas. The kind of hot where when you walk outside the air around you consumes your body as you walk through it, you are walking through a mass of something a mass of heat that sticks to you. Walking 2 miles across town today, I was consumed by the heat around me it encompassed my whole body in the way that makes one feel faint. Baruch Hashem I came upon a small mexican man on a corner with a kiosk selling beverages. I was so thankful for his presence. It was as if G-d had put my own personal Miriam on the corner of the street in Austin, Texas.

For some reason I felt comforted.

Commencement. I suppose my life post-graduation has in fact commenced. I have moved on from my life in Florida, my life in Sarasota, and have relocated to Austin, Texas. For now that is. I guess it's really time for me to figure out what's next. Following Austin, that is.

I am quite rusty on my Arabic. I'm going to have to work really hard to stay in intermediate Arabic, but I have faith in myself that I can do it. Something about moving away from New College of Florida and all of its stressful associations has allowed me to feel rejuvenated and ready for what the world, for what this Arabic program has to offer, for what is to come next. I'm just excited. I feel ready.

I feel nostalgic and miss my friends, but we are all moving on to bigger and better things. Inshallah we will all stay close.

Thanks to Leila, I have come to enjoy the NPR show radiolab. It was fantastic listening to the episode about the past, about people stumbling upon things from the past. "Detective Stories," it was called. It was beautiful. These stories about exploring garbage mounds in New York and Egypt were really inspiring. Listening to the story about a man finding hundreds of letters on the side of the highway 101 in California, and this journey exploring the letters and their past was really moving.

I guess exploration of the past is pertinent to my current position. At this place between college and career, I'm finding myself a bit lost and holding on the past and reminiscence as sources of comfort.

Out of Character

Earlier today I was at Borders perusing through the magazines with a good friend and I stumbled upon the feminist magazine entitled bitch. I had read this magazine before, but not on a regular basis. I decided to pick it up and have a look. Its interesting that a feminist magazine uses the derogatory term for female and in a sense reclaims it and makes it something positive or at least... useful.

Generally it is uncharacteristic of me to pay attention to gender issues. Not to say that I care not at all, but I do not really care enough to think about them on a daily basis, or really frequently at all. It just does not concern me that much.

I found myself lately however contemplating gender roles regarding sexual relationships and thus found myself compelled to read this article in bitch magazine entitled, "After an orgasmless generation, was 2009 the year hip hop reinvented sex? (or at least noticed that two people can get off during it?)."

The article discusses how rap and hip hop music has historically portrayed women as sex objects and merely receptacles. The beginning of the article quotes, "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks lick on these nuts and such the dick, and get the fuck out after you're done. Girl your legs keep shakin' you know I'm proud lookin' in your lovely face scream my name, you do it so loud."

Generally, I'm all about gender roles...like they don't bother me terribly as they do some women. But something about sexual inequality really frankly ticks me off. Because I think all too often, this sexual inequality can morph into sexual violence and I do think that is an issue worth addressing.

The article leaves you with:

Ideally, treating women respectfully shouldn't have to be a conscious business decision, but

in an industry that's selling first and foremost, an image, this particular one-- women getting off and men wanting them to-- is a big step forward. Like the more misogynist music before it, the recent bump in songs about doing right by the ladies sets up a self- reinforcing paradigm of what men should want and what women should get.

Absolutely...

The way african american music culture has treated women has always troubled me. And I'm happy to see some changes.

But for now, I'll get back in the kitchen and do something cooking and cleaning.

Lessons Learned and Messages Received

To be frank I have better days. I have had much better days than today.

I stood and looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "how did my life get to this point? how did my decisions make the paths that they have lately?"

Some of the decisions made and behaviors developed as of late are good and wonderful, others are self-destructive.

Today was a necessary reality check. Some lessons have to be learned the hard way.

Character building, no? I feel like my character has been pretty well built. I feel like my character is a fortress at this point. Physical pain, however is more difficult for me to cope with than emotional pain. Mind as fortress; body as delicate flower.