the joys of political incorrectness

Oh my.

So Pam and I were having one of our late night mother-daughter bonding conversations. We were having a someone politically incorrect conversation. And I used the word ebonics.

Pam says, "Is that even a word? It sounds like something to evacuate your bowels."

Thanks Pam. Just for being you.

post-holiday shopping

Post-Holiday Shopping: Day 1

For some reason, some insane reason I thought it would be a reasonable idea to go to the Orlando outlets the day after Christmas.

Yes, yes I know. I'm insane. Five hours. Gridlock traffic. FUCK ME.

Ashley, yes it was my idea... but you concurred. :P

Two and a half hours into said traffic, we make it to Millennia Mall, but not the Prime Outlets because some brilliant highway planner didn't make an interstate exit at the outlets. Can anyone say fail?

But the day was not without its high points. Who got J. Crew cords for 13 bucks (that were originally $80)? That is correct. I did. WIN. And of course the company was lovely. Most people I would have punched in the face after that much time in a confined space with, but me an Ashley just discussed how all the assholes driving around cutting us off and being generally charming human beings should get a venereal disease or two of the face....

:)

Classy ladies are we not?

Post-Holiday Shopping: Day 2

Yesterday, oh yesterday. The day of hot hot boots.

Since my departure for the District of Columbia is imminent, I needed boots. Thus, Pam and I went to the mall...

Not as crowded as day 1, but still pretty painful.

*Pam just walked in and as I tilt the computer away, because quite frankly she is nosy and it is irritating, she says, "oh my you must be doing the porn again, bye then." fml*

I shall resume my mall anecdote.

DSW shoes= <3

I buy some calf-length brown leather boots with a 3-inch heel. :)

I also bought what they are calling, booties? Black. 3-inch heel.

I'm going to hurt myself.

Next we enter the mall, and I tell Pam I need to get a USB charger adapter for my Ipod. I go into the Apple store and make my purchase. Fucking overpriced... ugh.

I leave the store, Pam has effing disappeared. Woman needs a cow bell.

So I wander around looking for this petite plump woman... and I find her, in the Coach store?

Confusion.

And it occurred to me.

I need a crazy-postmenopausal- cat lady- mother leash. Most likely similar to the harness type apparatuses they make for offspring. I looked at pictures online. There are ones that you can just hold the handle. Or shit, you can even attach them to your belt! umm yessss...

I shall make parent sized ones. I'll make a fortune. Off to sew my Pam leash.

A new voyage will fill your life with untold memories

in bed.

For those unfamiliar some of us find it customary to state in bed at the end of reading the fortune found inside a fortune cookie.

Genius is the ability to reduce the complicated to the simple in bed.

Yes. I did eat chinese food for dinner on Christmas day. How nice of the chinese take-out places to stay open for all the non-christians and those who can't cook or are lazy on this day. (Yesterday at this point)...

I suppose I do not have any humor to offer today.

alas, the lady doctor

For some reason I always go to the gynecologist during the winter holiday season and this year was no exception.

As if going to the gynecologist wasn't awkward enough something always occurs to make the experience just that much more... special.

Yesterday as I enter the lobby and waiting room of my "Women's Care" clinic, I recognize a woman sitting there that I recognize. It takes me 10 minutes but I finally realize she is my trig teacher from junior year of high school. oh goody....

After waiting nearly an hour in the waiting room, I finally get called back only to lie naked, covered only by scratchy paper, for around 30 minutes. I fell asleep-- Cold and Naked. I was awakened by the sound of the door and the doctor coming in.

They always tell you... RELAX RELAX. well fuck you miss thannng, but you are shoving something cold and metal and awkward in my pussy. oy. so relaxing doesn't exactly come naturally.

I don't know if it hurts everyone... but it really hurts me... and really at this point it shouldn't.

I ask her, "why does this hurt me soo much?"

doctor:, "oh because you're so tight"

my thoughts: how awkward... my doctor just old me... my vag was tight...

also... this is not a sufficient explanation.

fuuuuccccc...

I'm beginning to think I have been misinformed about sex. I hear its fun?

oy.

BUT the best gyno story I have to offer is my first pelvic exam.

This occured in 2006, I believe and I was quite frankly super uncomfortable.

It was a registered nurse, not a doctor who did it, but it was a woman so I assumed that it would be not awkward. whoa damn, was I WRONG...

After. It was over.

She goes, "aw come on that wasn't so bad. Plus, I know you liked me cause you squeezed my finger. ;)"

WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?

TRAUMA.

PAM was sitting in the room, in the chair in the corner behind a curtain. Of course, she thought it was hysterical. Absolutely hysterical. "Oh, thats soooo funny!" she says.

I sit there horrified.

I wanna go home now...

Back to yesterday.

Exam was performed.

Exam was finished.

Doctor says, "Merry Christmas" and walks out.

Wham. Bam. Happy Holidays.

but... mine doesn't look like that

A boy I once knew informed me that not all lady parts look the same. While this is logical for not all male genitalia looks the same ( you know circumcision and what not), it was nonetheless quite shocking for me when last night I encountered (not personally mind you) what this boy had called an outie.

and no this has not digressed into a discussion of belly buttons.

Let us return to this past August while I was sitting on the bed of a boy with whom I had just had an encounter. He tells me my eyes are pretty. Perhaps the word he used was interesting. I'm not quite sure. I digress...

He mentions something about how some vaginas are innies and some are outies. I had never heard of such a thing as my experience with other vaginas is somewhat limited. He tells me,"there are vaginas out there... where everything just hangs out."

Well yesterday, at my lovely roommates home in Miami, we watched some show where a some porn star was giving sex advice. naked. there was a close shot of her business.

me: "oh my... my business doesn't look like that..."

L: "I think that's just what happens to porn stars because they have too much sex..."

I think not. It was an outie!

flirting, too, is good for the complexion. ;)

Something New

Upon the suggestion of a friend to share my anecdotes with the world (Or at least commit them to paper, or the internet in this case) I have decided to blog.

Subject One: family, most specifically my mother

fun with a woman who understands no concept of mother-daughter boundaries

Pamela=that which birthed me

Anecdote One:

Me: mom, finals made my acne act up like whoa

Pam: well honey, maybe you need to get laid. I mean not just anyone, but I hear thats good for your complexion.

Me: Mother! honestly... (phone rings)... how many times do I have to tell you? WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT SEX! honestly...

Pam: well... I'm just saying...

Anecdote 2:

Pam: cassie!!! tomorrow your sister is coming home... blah blah

Me: Mother... I'm in the bathroom...

( the bathroom door opens)

Pam: so...

Me: THAT WAS NOT AN INVITATION! as evan would say, I'm dropping kids off at the pool. honestly.. *sighs*

Pam: oh well...*chuckles*

... and I've only been home 4 days...