Haaretz, ani lo yoda'at ma ani hoshevet...

The more I read about the Gaza Flotilla incident, the more confused I am.

I've read Haaretz. I've read Al-Jazeera. I've read BBC.

I'd like to think that Israel doesn't send its soldiers places for no reason. I'd like to think that those soldiers had good reason to fire on those Turkish people.

I'd like to think that.

But I don't know what to think.

I love Israel. so much.

Perhaps this is an oversimplification of the Israel situation, but I feel like it is two groups of people fighting over the land they love. Irrational as it may be to fight over a piece of land, and to do the things that people do to get that land, to keep that land. They kill, they fight, they... blow themselves up, they send their 18 year old children to the army...

But nothing is simple, I suppose.

Did the IDF shoot on non-violent peoples? How is one to know for sure? Israel says no. It seems everyone else says yes. Is it appropriate to call anti-semitism here? Can anti-semitism always be called upon as reasons for anti-Israel sentiment?

Reading media only gives me more questions, not answers. I want answers.

My thoughts, my feelings... about Israel are all confused and jumbled. When I think of Israel, I think of Ulpan. I think of sitting on the beach at the Port in Tel Aviv and reading a book. I think of taking a bus to Jerusalem for the weekend. I think of the Kotel. I think of my time, my short time, those five months of Tel Aviv. I close my eyes and I picture myself walking in the park along the Nahal Yarkon. I remember those days I would walk to the mall in Ramat Aviv and buy iced coffee from Aroma. I think about the wonderful friends I made. I remember the struggle I had with speaking Hebrew.

I remember the bad things about being in Israel too. I remember the questioning by El Al employees in the airport. The fact I was treated like a criminal because only part of my family is Jewish. Sure. most of my family is secular, be it the Jews or the Christians. What does it matter? Just because I didn't have a bat mitzvah, just because my mom doesn't care about Judaism... doesn't mean I don't care. Even if I was a Catholic, or a Muslim, or a Hindu, or a Baptist... what does it matter anyways? Not everyone is a threat. Sometimes, the little red-headed girl coming to Israel, is just a little red-headed girl coming to Israel to explore her heritage.

In the end, I think of Israel fondly. I have mostly positive, wonderful associations with Israel. I think of the food... Rugelach from the Marzipan bakery in Jerusalem, humus from Humus Said in Akko. I fantasize about these foods... about the lemonanna I drank at a cafe in Haifa.

Then there is Jerusalem. I love the city of Jerusalem. There is something about the vibe of the holy city. Not to be cliche, but it feels holy. The many times I rode the bus from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, I always experienced a distinct change in demeanor as the bus would approach Jerusalem. Truly, Jerusalem of Gold.

My last day in Israel. I took the bus from my dorm to the Tel Aviv central bus station. Then I took the bus from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. Then I took the bus to the old city. I went to the Kotel. I prayed at the Kotel. I tried to avoid crying as I left Jerusalem for the last time.

A year ago this coming Wednesday, I returned to Florida from my semester in Israel. It is hard for me to comprehend feelings of hatred people have for this place. This place-- Israel, is full of associations of joy and personal growth both spiritual and otherwise for me.

I do not deny that Israel sometimes does things that are regrettable. What country doesn't? But it is hard for me to accept the notion that Israel in its totality supports oppression.

dammit. I don't even know. If only these things could be solved as simply as a scraped knee with a little neosporin and a band-aid.